The Blog of allthatremains

I cut . Well i used to not long ago. My scars began to fade but the imprint of the blade will always be there. I just look at it as when the scars fade its a transition out of what made you do it, but the blades imprint will always be there to remind YOU of the pain that made you cut. I will always have the urge to cut, some days all i want to do is cut, I enjoy the feeling i get after, I do, not the rush but something else it makes me feel better. calms me down it's like a drug and i am addicted to it. I love the pain, the pulsating pain after i cut my arm over and over again. But now i can't there is something stopping me well not something someone. I feel allot better now that i don't cut and whenever i do i just hold on and wait for her to kiss me again. Because i know that when she does I won't want to anymore.....

 

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     Have you ever heard the old saying "take a walk in my shoes"? I despise that saying, People seem to think there life is harder than everyone Else's, The thing is everyones life is equally as hard as another persons. The only difference is the challenges we face as we progress through our lives. Though i have to disagree with my previous statement, I can't exactly say that everyone has got it equally as hard as another. I'd like to walk in another's shoes to see if i could do it though. But i would never want another to walk in mine...

 

I would tell you about the things,

They put me through.

The pain I've been subjected to.

But the Lord himself would blush.

The countless feasts laid at my feet,

Forbidden fruits for me to eat.

But I think your pulse would start to rush.

Now I'm not looking for absolution,

Or forgiveness for the things I do.

But before we come to any conclusions,

Try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.



You'll stumble in my footsteps.

Keep the same appointments I've kept.

If you try walking in my shoes.

If you try walking in my shoes.



Morality would frown upon,

And decency look down upon,

The scapegoat fate's made of me.

But I'll tell you now, my judge and jurors.

Intentions couldn't have been purer.

My case is easy to see.



I'm not looking for a clearer conscience.

Peace of mind after what I've been through.

But before we talk of any repentance,

Try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.



You'll stumble in my footsteps.

Keep the same appointments I've kept.

If you try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.



Now I'm not looking for the absolution,

Or forgiveness for the things I do.

But before you come to any conclusions.

Try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.



You'll stumble in my footsteps.

Keep the same appointments I've kept.

If you try walking in my shoes.



You'll stumble in my footsteps.

Keep the same appointments I've kept.

If you try walking in my shoes.

Try walking in my shoes.

If you try walking in my shoes.

I believe that addictions is not something you love or love to experience but instead something you cannot stop but to have around you. It is something that we/our bodies have become accustom to. Over a certain period of time with out getting rid of or break free from the high that are bodies have come joined to we develop an addiction, but if you don't want the addiction you can't just get rid of it, if you don't like what you are experiencing but cant get rid of it you must be addicted to it....

 

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My mood: extremely stressed

“You must be strong now. You must never give up. And when people make you cry and you are afraid of the dark, don't forget the light is always there.”“You must be strong now. You must never give up. And when people make you cry and you are afraid of the dark, don't forget the light is always there.”-------“Don't go for the looks, it can be quite deceiving. Don't go for wealth, even that fades away -- go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.”

Breaking benjamins' firefly

You my friend

You're a not like them

But I caught your lie

And you know I did

Now I'm lost in you

Like I always do

And I'd die to win

'Cause I'm born to lose



[Chorus:]

Firefly

Could you shine your light

Now I know your ways

'cause they're just like mine

Now I'm justified

As I fall in line

And it's hard to try

When you're open wide



Take my hand

We'll be off and then

We'll come back again

To a different land

Now I like this way

You can go away

If you guess the name

You cannot replace



[Chorus]



Bring me your enemies

Lay them before me

And walk away

Walk away

WALK AWAY



[Chorus]



Fuck you firefly

Have you lost your light

Now I hate your ways

'cause they're just like mine

So your lost my friend

Such a sorry end

Now I don't know why

So I choke and smile

I keep having this dream, It's unlike my other reoccurring dreams. It's more real, well not real. Just the sensations and feeling of dread i get from it. The pain i feel in it hurts me even after i wake up from it. Sometimes when i wake up after it i can't get back to sleep and others i cant help but sleep because i feel so worn out.

    In my dream I'm standing in a darkened room with just enough light to see the outline of myself as i look down, I walk foreword and with every step i take the ground grows colder. As the ground grows colder i can feel the cold running up my legs until i stop. It's made its way up to just above my knees. I can hear footsteps, they're not very loud they sound like they are far away, but coming closer. I see a figure in the distance and as it draws closer the sound of the footsteps still sound far away until i see that it's a small child.

A chill slowly rolls down my spine and a pain infects my gut. I see the girls shadowy face, It's empty and has no features the eyes look dead. She stops in front of me I reach out to touch her but she is just out of reach. I have this feeling that she is further than it looks and as i put my hand back down she begins to cry. Tears roll down her face and hit the cold floor, as they hit the floor i hear them sizzle.

She closes her eyes and as she does my left arm begins to burn i lift it up to my face and the room light up i see the scars that i had cut into my arm open up and blood floods out dripping onto the floor in front of were her tears are falling and i see my blood freeze. The girl steps back four steps and opens her mouth and begins to speak but no words come out just a low steady hum, but i can see that she is saying something. Her black hair begins to grow until its touching the floor, The room grows darker again and begins to grow unbearably cold and i wake up.

Since Sunday night Ive had this dream and it was the same two night in a row until last night, the little girl spoke and this time i heard what she said.

"Follow me, Into the darkest of light. Follow me my light and save me. She is here and is waiting in limbo for the sight of you. Hurry you have no time. Don't you want to see what i have to give to her."

I hope it stops i can't take these kind of dreams anymore they always mention some girl but never a name. I don't want to know who and i don't care i just want to have a peaceful sleep for once.

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        No one seems to understand people like me, No one seems to understand why we do what we do. They don't want to realize how much we truly care anout others or how we'd love to help the world. It's just we hate to much to do anything because all we see is pain and suffering all around us and take it out on ourselves. we tourture ourselves with the pain that all the world deals with.

        We, well I deal with it differently. I myself cut or draw and i only cut when i see nothing in my head to draw and lately ive drawn a blank. But i don't want to cut so i store it all away in the depths of my soul were it brews into a black discusting ball of anger and i know one day it will manifest itself into something horrible. something ive seen before and i had to run away from the one i love to save her from itme.

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          What is love??? No really what is it? Is it just a word that only you can put a meaning to or does it really have a meaning all its own. The word love has many different definitions such as (and the one i agree the most with)  ineffable feeling towards another person. Some say its a explanation for a sexual attraction, others say it doesn't exist just a word.

            But i guess its up to you as an individual with your own thoughts and ideas to decipher its meaning and or give it a meaning of your own.

         I only ask this question because i am starting to doubt my own opinion on the word love.

         There's to much to give and no-one thats willing to take.

Foundations lyrics



Thursday night,

every thing's fine,

Except you've got that look in your eyes,

when I'm telling a story

And you find it boring your thinking of something to say.

You'll go along with and then drop it

And you Humiliate me, in front of our friends.



Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'

And say something like

"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just go and have another beer then?"



Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,

and I won't give a shit.



My fingertips are holding onto the

cracks in our foundations,

and I know that I should let go,

but I can't.

And every time we fight I know its not right,

every time that your upset and I smile

I know I should forget, but I can't.



You said I must eat so many lemons,

'cause I am so bitter.

I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,

cause they are much fitter"



Yes it was childish

and you got aggressive

and I must admit that I was a bit scared,

but it gives me thrills to wind you up.



My fingertips are holding onto the

Cracks in our foundations,

and I know that I should let go,

but I can't.

And every time we fight,

I know its not right,

every time that your upset and I smile,

I know I should forget,

but I can't.



Your face is pasty,

'Cause you've gone and got so wasted,

what a surprise,

don't want to look at your face,

'cause its making me sick.



You've gone and got sick on my trainers,

I only got these Yesterday.

Oh my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.



Well I'll leave you there till the mornin',

and I purposely won't turn the heating on

and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.



My fingertips are holding onto the

Cracks in our foundations,

and I know that I should let go,

but I can't.

And every time we fight,

I know its not right,

every time that your upset and I smile,

I know I should forget,

but I can't.



And every time we fight I know it's not right,

every time that you're upset and I smile.

I know I should forget, but I can't.



[x2]

 

I wish i could bring all the people I cared about back. It would make things so much easier for me today. I'd bring back Amanda because she always made me smile and laugh, I'd bring back Jess because she always helped me with what my heart wanted, somehow she always knew what i wanted, and what i needed to do to get it. And finally the one i miss in a different way my grandfather who actually would have something to say to me today about whats happening in my life.

           I would need these people to help me with this girl, I would need there help because i don't know what to do. I feel odd i don't know what i should do or say. I want to be with her but she is going through allot, So i should let her be for now and just be there for her but at the same time I've done this with her before and the last time her and I were dating and it blew up and destroyed me and the relationship. I walked out and went to B.C. with a stupid little whore who doesn't deserve the life i saved. But thats besides the point.

           I just wish there was a way i could make her feel better.

       Rain lyrics



Take a photograph,

It'll be the last,

Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,



I don't have a past

I just have a chance,

Not a family or honest plea remains to say,



Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.



Is it you I want,

Or just the notion

Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around



Safe to say from here,

You're getting closer now,

We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be



Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.



Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.



To lie here under you,

Is all that I could ever do,

To lie here under you is all,

To lie here under you is all that i could ever do,

To lie here under you is all,



Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun.



Rain rain go away,

Come again another day,

All the world is waiting for the sun,

All the world is waiting for the sun,

All the world is waiting for the sun.

I wrote this a long time ago, well not really long ago but about three years ago. It was around the time i had made the biggest mistake of my life. I walked out on the girl i lved more than anyone or anything. I was an asswhole and for lack of better words a complete fuck up, I knew i was and i had only one choice, well in my head it was the only choice and a very stupid one.

 After about a month or so i noticed i had made this terrible mistake and that i had been i went into a deep depressing state of mind wich forced me to break down and cut myself. so after a while i started writing a song but in doing so found that it made a much better poen and it was explaining so much.

I alone
In the midst of nights that are endless, I sit waiting for the days so lonely. The thought of you clouds my judgment for i know not what to do but drown in tears. I passed to you my heart and with you it shall stay. For you to judge and you to do with as you please. Till forever I shall sit in limbo waiting for a glimpse of you, your smile your face so pure. I know nothing but pain.



I choose not to surrender but continue to suffer from the thoughts of you. Dreaming a life I love and living a life I hate. I bleed for me and not for you, For you have bled my heart dry though my eyes are wet. I can not forget the times of yesterday. Cannot help but remember, cannot help but be scared.



All alone i stand afraid and weak. I am only one man scarred and disgusted because of what i have become.

 

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